Keeping elderly relatives socially connected over the holidays

The holidays are meant to be the warmest time of the year. For many older people, they are also the loneliest.

It is one of the quiet paradoxes of the season. While the world fills with gatherings and celebration, an older person alone at home can feel that contrast more sharply than at any other time. The people they used to celebrate with may be gone. Families are busy. The weather keeps them in. And everyone seems to be together, somewhere else.

The good news is that a little thought goes a long way. Here is how to help an older relative feel genuinely included and connected over the holiday season, whatever you celebrate.

Why the holidays can be hard

It helps to understand why this time of year can be so difficult, because it is rarely about the day itself.

Grief is often sharpest at the holidays. Traditions and empty chairs bring absent partners, siblings and friends vividly to mind. Old age also brings a shrinking circle, so there are simply fewer people to celebrate with than there once were. Families, meanwhile, are stretched thin, and an older relative may be reluctant to "be a nuisance" during a busy season. Dark evenings and cold or icy weather make getting out harder. And the sheer visibility of everyone else's celebrations, on television, in shop windows, in every conversation, can make being alone feel much louder.

Recognising this is the first step. It is not fussing to worry about an older relative at this time of year. It is paying attention.

Include them in the celebration, not just at it

There is a difference between an older person being present and being genuinely included. Being sat in a corner of a noisy room while everyone else bustles about is not the same as being part of things.

So involve them properly. Ask for their help with something, however small, whether that is stirring the pudding, wrapping presents, or laying the table. Ask them to tell the family stories, since younger relatives often love hearing about the old days, and it gives your relative a valued role. Keep their traditions alive by making the food they always made, or playing the music they love. Being needed and being listened to is what makes someone feel part of it all.

Make it easy for them to be there

Practical barriers stop many older people from joining in, and most of them can be solved:

• Offer transport, and be willing to collect them and take them home. If they no longer drive, this is often the whole problem.
• Think about timing. An earlier, shorter gathering may suit them far better than a long, late evening.
• Consider the environment. A quieter room to retreat to, a comfortable chair, good lighting, and manageable noise levels all make an enormous difference, especially if they have hearing loss.
• Make sure they can hear. Sit them somewhere they can follow the conversation, and try not to let them get talked over. Nothing isolates someone in a crowded room faster than not being able to follow what is being said.
• Mind the food. Be aware of dietary needs and any difficulty with eating, and make sure they are comfortable.

If they cannot come to you, go to them

Sometimes travel simply is not possible. That does not have to mean disconnection.

Visit them, even briefly, and consider spreading visits across the season rather than everyone descending on one day. A quiet cup of tea on a random afternoon may be worth more than a chaotic hour on the big day itself. Video calls help too, especially if the whole family gathers around the screen. And small, thoughtful gestures, a card, a phone call, a plate of food brought round, tell someone they have been thought of.

Remember the days around it

The gathering itself is often not the hardest part. The days before and after can be far lonelier, when the phone stops ringing and the house goes quiet again.

So try to spread your contact across the whole season rather than concentrating everything on one day. A call on a quiet afternoon in the days that follow can mean more than you would think.

Be gentle about grief

If your relative has lost a partner or close friends, the holidays can be painful as well as lonely. It usually helps to acknowledge that openly rather than tiptoe around it. Let them talk about the person they are missing, and do not be afraid to mention them by name. Keeping a tradition alive in someone's memory can be a comfort rather than a sadness.

And accept that they may be quieter than usual, or may not want the full celebration. That is allowed.

If your relative has dementia

The holidays can be disorienting for someone living with dementia, as noise, crowds, changes of routine and unfamiliar surroundings can all be overwhelming.

It usually helps to keep things smaller and calmer, to stick as closely as possible to their normal routine, to hold gatherings earlier in the day when they are likely to be at their best, and to make sure there is a quiet space they can retreat to. Fewer people for longer is often better than a house full of relatives for an hour. Our guide to dementia care has more.

When they will be alone

If, despite everything, your relative will be on their own for part of the season, there is still much you can do. Arrange for someone to look in on them. Check whether a neighbour, friend, or local community or faith group has something on, as many do at this time of year. Make sure they have food, warmth and company arranged, and keep the phone calls coming.

And if you are far away and worried, professional care can be a real answer. A live-in carer means your relative is not alone at all, but has company, warmth, proper meals and someone to share the day with, which for an older person facing the holidays by themselves can be an enormous comfort.

How live-in care helps over the holidays

For families who cannot be there as much as they would like, or whose relative needs more support than a phone call can provide, live-in care can make a real difference at this time of year.

Company, every single day. This is the big one. A live-in carer means your relative is simply not alone, not on the day itself, and not during the long, quiet stretches around it. There is someone to share a meal with, watch the television with, and talk to. The house is not silent.

Keeping the traditions going. A carer can help your relative do the things that make the season feel like the season: putting up decorations, preparing the food they have always made, writing and sending cards, choosing and wrapping presents for the family. These small rituals matter enormously, and they are often the first things to slip when someone is struggling alone.

Getting them to where the family is. Rather than your relative missing the gathering because travel is too difficult, a carer can help them get ready and, where a driving carer is arranged, get them there and safely home again. They can also be the steadying presence that makes a day out feel manageable rather than daunting.

Making the home ready for visitors. When family come to them, a carer helps make the house warm, comfortable and welcoming, so your relative can enjoy hosting rather than worrying about coping with it.

Helping them stay part of their community. A carer can support your relative to keep attending the things that matter to them at this time of year, whether that is a carol service, a place of worship, a club's festive gathering, or a neighbour's invitation.

Staying connected to family far away. A little help with a phone or a video call means your relative can see faces and hear voices, even when everyone is scattered.

Keeping them safe and well. The season brings cold weather, icy paths, disrupted routines and, often, GP surgeries and pharmacies operating reduced hours. A carer keeps the home warm, meals regular, medication on track and the risk of falls down, at exactly the time of year when those things most easily slip.

Peace of mind for you. Perhaps most valuable of all, you can enjoy your own celebrations without the low hum of worry about whether Mum is warm, fed, safe and alright on her own.

And of course, live-in care does not have to be a permanent arrangement. Some families arrange care over the winter months specifically, or as respite so that a family carer can enjoy the season too. Our guide to the minimum cover time for live-in care explains how short-term care can work.

The gift that actually matters

Older people, almost without exception, do not want more things. They want time, attention and company.

So the most valuable thing you can give an older relative this season is not something wrapped. It is your presence, your patience, and the simple, powerful message that they are still very much part of this family, and very much loved.

If you are worried about an older relative being alone or struggling this season, we would be glad to talk through how we could help.

Book a free care advice call, or give us a ring on 020 3970 9900. We are always happy to help.